Social anxiety Survivor Story #1

Yesterday, I was grocery shopping at my favorite local store. After gathering all of my goodies, I see a familiar face in the check out lines and naturally proceed. 

“Hello,” I say to the cashier

“Hey guys, how are you doing?” She responds recognizing my boyfriend and I.

“Good, and you?” I respond.

 The cashier makes a joke about their day, I giggle and my eyes meet their’s. 

“Ah! she laughs,” the cashier said. 

I smile in return and try to brush off the feelings of judgment tossed my way.
I am just quiet and observant, I thought, but couldn’t seem to force the words through my lips. 

“I hardly hear her speak, I don’t think I’ve heard but a few peps out of her. Does she ever talk?” the cashier continued.         

At this point I remember thinking…
Is she speaking to me? about me? Am I supposed to respond to this?
Then I realize she is speaking to my boyfriend…as if I were a child, as if I were incapable of hearing or speaking.
The passive conversation about me continues for a good minute. 

I felt my heart starting to race and emotions of embarrassment and shame flush through me, exposing themselves through tones of red on my pale white skin. 

I swipe my card, thankful the transaction is over and I would soon be free. 

*beep beep* 

I had pushed the wrong button. I couldn’t think straight. 

“Ah, I think I may have pushed the wrong option. I apologize.” I quickly responded.

 “Go ahead and swipe again,” the cashier replied. 

Mid reply the cashier and I had a moment of eye contact, as I remained flustered and flushed, her eyes grew wide…at this point she realized how her words had effected me.

 I found myself holding a steady gaze with the machine, knowing it wouldn’t judge me, patiently waiting for it to tell me to swipe my card. 


The cashier asked, “Do YOU wear earrings?” 

I look up to see if she is speaking to me… 

” No, not often.” I admittedly replied. 

“Would you like to pick out a pair of earrings? I make them myself,” the cashier responded.

At first I found myself hesitant, worried this would bring more awkward passive conversation about my biggest struggle/lesson in life, but decided why not…why not push through this and see what comes out of it? It’s something I never do.

 “Oh of course, that would be wonderful. Thank you!”

 She hands me a bag full of handmade earrings and directs me to a couch to comfortably skim through the options.

 “Pick any pair you’d like and meet me back here,” the cashier said.

 I smiled through my now flushed pink cheeks and took my boyfriends comforting hand, slowly walking to the couch.

 “That really hurt my feelings,” I admitted. 

My boyfriend opened the bag and responded, “I know, I understand why it did. You did good though!” 

Knowing he was right, I started skimming through the bag. 

“Oooo I like these.” I said, as I picked the perfect pair of earrings. 

I realized I had picked the only pair of Turquoise earrings out of the hundred pairs of handcrafted pieces. Turquoise being a stone communication, I knew this wasn’t a coincidence.

My soul still seeking self-expression and growth, I remembered, she doesn’t know my story. She doesn’t know what I’ve gone through or the struggles I’m currently facing, how far I’ve come or where I’m headed. 

But, her soul knew. 

Her soul had made these earrings for me, for this moment to play out exactly how it did. 

We both needed this lesson of unconditional love and acceptance from the universe and that’s exactly what we received.

 I felt myself regain my power and thirst for growth as I held the pair of earrings tightly in my hand.

 I walked to return the bag, thanked her, forgave her, loved her, and went on with my day knowing the universe did magical things in magical ways. ✨

Keep pushing through, soul family.

Love and Light,

Anastasjia Louise

Always Seeking, Never Found

Here is an old journal entry I found…

Sometimes I need someone to hold me. 

To tell me that everything is going to be okay even if I am doubtful. 

That I am strong enough and worthy enough to get through today and the days that follow. 

Someone who knows the depths of my soul but still craves more,
even after they’ve seen the raw aspects of my being. 

The one who strives to be everything everyone wants. 

The one who bites her tongue in the presence of another. 

The one with the sea in her chest and a swamp in her mind. 

Sometimes I need someone to understand. 

To tell me that I am sane and to let it rain when my clouds are heavy. 

That it is okay to feel but not to dwell in my well of sorrow when it begins to overflow. 

Someone who sees the beauty in my journey and lessons, who proudly walks beside me. 

 Always seeking. Never found. I am back where I end up each time around.

My thoughts on the entry and my state at the time: 

   Constantly looking for comfort and acknowledgment, I was left with a void. A void I thought could only be filled by the “love” of another. The belief that I needed affection, acknowledgement, and acceptance from outside of myself to feel whole was the exact reason I felt powerless, insecure, and unworthy. 

 If I know I deserve and need love, why am I not good enough to receive it from? 

 Why is my love, voice, and opinion invalid when it comes to MY happiness? 

The truth is, it isn’t. The love that comes from your very own authentic soul is the most powerful unconditional love you can ever receive and experience in life.
But for some reason I chose to give it all away to those around me and left myself with nothing.

 I gave away my power to so many individuals and willingly let them hold my self-worth in their hands. I became a puppet and let people decide how I felt, how worthy I was, and how much power I was allowed to feel and attain.
I’ve allowed this to happen. All because I seek the love I give and give and give but never receive back, when all the love I give can be directed my way too. 

Go practice loving that rad soul of yours, and the outward expression of your true being as well. 

 Rock yourself to sleep, 

 play with your hair,

 laugh at your ridiculous jokes, 

 dance to that throwback song no one knows you jammed out to, 

reminisce on your beautiful experience here on earth, 

acknowledge all the hardships as well as the strength you attain to be where you are today…


You are worthy of your endless, passionate, unconditional love.<3

Love and light,
Anastasjia Louise    

Abandonment | April 28th, 2012 Entry

Nothing gives me more anxiety than abandonment. 

  The moment I even sense a possibility of being abandoned by someone I opened up to, I loose all sense of myself. I get in the fight-or-flight state and go back to feeling the emotions connected to my first experiences with abandonment. This state leaves me feeling out of control and completely worthless. 

  I felt these feelings a lot as a child. I was always very on edge growing up, constantly feeling different and thinking no one loved me so it was my duty to present them with something to love. Never understanding why I wasn’t enough, it was easy for me to feel unworthy. I never expressed myself unless it was in the comfort of my home or in the presence of my mother and sisters, where I knew I was loved and accepted. 

This mind-set has carried on into my adult-years, the emotions of my child within still crying out for mercy. To be honest, it wasn’t until last night this all dawned on me. 

What was happening when this dawned on me? The strongest feelings of abandonment. Who created these feelings? Myself. 

One trigger and I completely lost sense of myself.

  I sat crying for an hour, feeling the depths of my built up pain and emotions…then magic happened.
I saw the beauty in the breakdown. I saw how incredible it was to be aware, to finally see another perspective of my story. It was like reading a book over again and understanding it to a fuller degree. 

Allow yourself to feel, my dear.

I often feel guilty for feeling with every ounce of my being. I view myself as weak for 

being sensitive, for caring, loving, and feeling everything so deeply. 

 I feel flawed and exposed when each emotion begins to reveal itself deep within, 

knowing it will soon come to surface for all to see and judge.

Being empathetic, loving, and sensitive seem like beautiful qualities to attain.

But why don’t others see the beauty? And most importantly, where can I find the beauty?

I found my answer on a gloomy day. 

After watching the sky darken and slowly start to release all that it was holding onto,

 I understood my being. 

I need my storms. 

I need to release the tears and fears that reside within. 

Although my storms may be gloomy, dark, unexpected and aggressive…

they show me my light after letting go. 

And with this light I can grow into the person I was made to be.

 I deserve to grow, and growth only happens when things release. 

Allow yourself to feel, my dear.